March 10th, 2014
Five weeks into the new job and I still feel like the new kid in town. I have what feels like, two thousand and five questions in my head that I try to space out over carefully planned time intervals so not to 1) annoy the people I work with, WHO I do need to hire me in a years time and 2) so as not to sound like I slept through each and every tutorial I attended for the last three years.
Its scary, because its new. And somewhere deep down I know that its okay not to know everything straight off the bat, but theres a big part of me that just wants to be good right from the start. That stupid perfectionist side of me that demands rome to be built in a day.
People have been asking me for a couple of weeks now how its all going, and I usually reply with “I’m absolutely loving it!”…and its not a lie. But the truth is I spend a great deal of time worried that im not good enough, or quick enough, or just nurse material. Its that dangerous self-doubt that I try to keep hidden in the depths of my heart, but somehow she makes her way to the surface every so often to reek havoc.
In all honesty, 99% of the time I feel like im a fake. Its challenging and full on, and I love that, but it scares me. The responsibility of it all is terrifying. To have someones life in your hands, and be accountable for their condition – it’s a whole new world. But for that 1% of the time that I feel like im on top of things, that I have it under control – it’s a bliss better than any ive experienced before. Its that 1% that reminds me how much I love nursing, it gives me the strength and determination to be even better, to thrive and to grow with the lessons I learn each and every day. For that 1% I get to feel each shift, it is worth dragging myself through the anxiety to realise im doing okay!
In the whirlwind of the last two weeks, there is one thing that has stuck firmly in my mind and I cling to the truth found in it. Someone had said to me that it may not happen within the first few weeks, or even months, but soon enough I will wake up and realise that nursing has become second nature. It becomes a part of who you are and how you view the world, and it happens without realisation.
Its like driving a car I guess, it’s a challenge everyday to learn the ropes, but then you wake up one day and just get it. And before you know it, you aren’t looking down at the gear stick to change gears, or thinking about which knob to flick to turn the indicator on. You just do it.
i think at the end of the day, you just have to bet on yourself. have enough confidence to realize that you’re not where you are in life because of a series of flukes – you’re where you are because you’ve earnt it. so back yourself. you have this. this day is yours for the taking. be a brave-kind-of-amazing that makes people say “this girl’s the one to watch”.
this will be my mantra from here on out, and i won’t even hold it against you if you make it yours too.