November 5th, 2014
today marks two weeks since we lost such a beautiful ray of sunshine from this world. and for the most part, it hasn’t gotten any easier.
im finding that the time spent alone in my little blue car has become a catalyst for the mass production of clever tears that have somehow find the ability to soak the foundation right off my cheeks in less than five minutes. i also find myself falling apart at the most inappropriate times and am often disappointed in myself for coming unravelled so easily. there have been days where i wake and am not entirely sure of what it is that im supposed to do.
out of habit, most mornings ill half-heartedly put on some clothes and make my way down to the beach for breakfast… but find myself still sitting there three hours later having not accomplished much more than eating breakfast itself. and i never quite know how the time squeezes right by me because i don’t ever remember having thought of anything at all in those three hours. its a whole new discovery of the word lost.
i try so desperately to fill my days with things to do, or people to see. but i have realised that there is an impossibility in creating a constant distraction for the mind when it comes to losing someone you love, and despite the greatest of efforts – there are many lonely moments comprised of that awful sinking feeling and gut-wrenching heart ache that i encounter each and everyday.
in these moments i feel like i need the world to swallow me, or someone to cacoon me until the storm is over and the sun is shining again. i want to close my eyes and open them when the pain no longer has its hands clasped so firmly around my heart. but i can’t – and sometimes i think that fact hurts more.
the reality is that fourteen days ago, the world didn’t stop as we feel it might have. the sun didn’t disappear – in fact, bar one rainy Monday, it have shone brightly and warmly down upon us ever since. the earth is still turning and people are still going about their daily routines. the world has most certainly continued to go on.
so that leaves me feeling torn. torn between curling up under the covers with a grieving heart and the responsibilities i have in this world that continues to spin on is intact axis, to get up and participate in life.
the worst part is pretending to be okay. and i know there is nothing wrong with not being okay, but when the words “today i said my final goodbyes to one of my best friends at her funeral” fall from your lips, people simply don’t know what to do. its awkward and horrible, because quite frankly, what do you say?
society dictates “Im so sorry” as the choice collection of words. but then how are you even supposed to respond to that?
thankyou? its okay? don’t be sorry?
none of those responses seem to fit as they should – like a school child using a thesaurus to implement a smarter sounding version of a word that makes no sense plonked in its surrounding accompaniment of words.
the historical meaning of sorry is that you made a mistake, and by say saying sorry are vowing to never repeat that mistake again. so how is saying sorry for your loss logical in the slightest? but whats more – how does it make a difference? and i guess that’s my point. unfortunately, as nice as the sentiment is, there aren’t any words in any language that can fix it. there isn’t anything that anyone could do or say to give back life.
so i prefer to avoid the whole ordeal entirely where i can. because it’s easier to smile and say “im good thankyou – how are you?” even when it strays the furthest distance from the truth. ive become a master at choking the sobs that threaten to call the bluff of my composure, and somehow i feel that this is for the better. not for me, but for those around me.
i guess this is grieving. and i’d rather not be experiencing it first hand, but when it comes pre-packaged as a right of passage in life – i’m entirely sure theres no escaping it…only surviving it. and i can’t help but feel that grieving for me (as we know it is a different journey for each of us) is a heart-dominating-mind scenario. i find my mind tends to know that everything im feeling is valid and that there is human allowance to breakdown into tears spontaneously in the middle of a grocery aisle, but somehow my heart dictates that the burden of your sadness is too much for others to bare and overrides the main switchboard by clicking conceal. my heart also dictates that laughing is impartial to no longer appearing to care, and whips out the guilt in full force.
strength is not something i feel i have very much of at the moment and i don’t know how long time will take to make this hurt less, but i do know one thing. my life is something my dearest friend would want me to continuing living as best i can. so i’m trying with every little piece of my being to make this world of mine sparkle just a little bit brighter each day. im trying to convince my little broken heart that it’s okay to laugh because while there are times to be sad…there are also times where a smile is necessary, and shock horror – it has never been a matter of choosing one or the other.
tomorrow, i’ll try to embrace the sunshine.